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Personal musings
May. 12th, 2016 05:43 pm(warning: DW may become a default place to put some words I can't say otherwise, so be warned)
How do u post?
I mean, seriously, every time I sit down to make a post, I manage to talk myself out of it. Regarding anything. Dragon Age, politics, my writing, my life... It's like the wall I've built around myself for protection is so damned thick that I can't get through it just to blather and pontificate anymore.
I see a post on Tumblr I like, i might like, and occasionally reblog. I see something i don't like or that makes me uncomfortable, and I shrink back and disappear into myself. Ever since I've been trying to confront some personal issues head on, my dissociation has gotten worse, and it's been harder and harder to express my opinions, even when they're grounded in a modicum of fact.
I've lost me. In some ways, I'm starting to see how I've been shaped in ways I never knew, in all ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My well-meaning and loving parents and the society I grew up in didn't allow for certain things to enter their world view, even though all the signs have been there, and now the feeling is growing that if I don't reach out and take hold of who I am that I will be quietly miserable the rest of my life.
One realization I've come to lately is that one reason I don't take care of my body is that I don't want to live in it for a long life. For quite a few months now, I've found myself thinking 'oh i won't need to save for a long retirement, i'll die not long after i retire, if i make it that long'. Not suicidal, not depressed, but a huge dose of apathy and indifference towards myself and my best self-interests.
I still take intense joy and enjoyment in some things, but not in a lot. I rarely engage, and take things personally, and have a hard time reaching out to anyone or expressing myself beyond the stories I write.
I just... feel that wall so tight and tall around me, and I feel like the way out is to figure out what I see in the mirror. Right now, I see a stranger made by others and inflicted on me because I didn't know what else it could be. It's going to be hard to start down that road, and when that wall starts to crack... well, I'm afraid of what will happen and what will be hurt when it finally comes down.
But right now, I'm growing more afraid of what will happen if I don't even try.
How do u post?
I mean, seriously, every time I sit down to make a post, I manage to talk myself out of it. Regarding anything. Dragon Age, politics, my writing, my life... It's like the wall I've built around myself for protection is so damned thick that I can't get through it just to blather and pontificate anymore.
I see a post on Tumblr I like, i might like, and occasionally reblog. I see something i don't like or that makes me uncomfortable, and I shrink back and disappear into myself. Ever since I've been trying to confront some personal issues head on, my dissociation has gotten worse, and it's been harder and harder to express my opinions, even when they're grounded in a modicum of fact.
I've lost me. In some ways, I'm starting to see how I've been shaped in ways I never knew, in all ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My well-meaning and loving parents and the society I grew up in didn't allow for certain things to enter their world view, even though all the signs have been there, and now the feeling is growing that if I don't reach out and take hold of who I am that I will be quietly miserable the rest of my life.
One realization I've come to lately is that one reason I don't take care of my body is that I don't want to live in it for a long life. For quite a few months now, I've found myself thinking 'oh i won't need to save for a long retirement, i'll die not long after i retire, if i make it that long'. Not suicidal, not depressed, but a huge dose of apathy and indifference towards myself and my best self-interests.
I still take intense joy and enjoyment in some things, but not in a lot. I rarely engage, and take things personally, and have a hard time reaching out to anyone or expressing myself beyond the stories I write.
I just... feel that wall so tight and tall around me, and I feel like the way out is to figure out what I see in the mirror. Right now, I see a stranger made by others and inflicted on me because I didn't know what else it could be. It's going to be hard to start down that road, and when that wall starts to crack... well, I'm afraid of what will happen and what will be hurt when it finally comes down.
But right now, I'm growing more afraid of what will happen if I don't even try.
