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Ever since I realized that I wouldn't be staying in the house that my ex and I bought together, there's been a weight on my mind. Over time, the weight has grown, but lately, it's become too hard to push aside or ignore, even for my notoriously narrow-focused mind.
My first degree was in Music, with a specialization in Piano/Keyboard and Vocals. When I graduated from college, my parents bought me a grand piano as a graduation gift. It is beautiful, sounds amazing, and for a long time, it was my best and constant companion.
But then I got married. And although the ex professed admiration for my musical skills, when push came to shove, it was his comic book collection and not my piano that got first priority wherever we lived. It stayed at my parent's house until we bought our first condo, then finally got pride of place in that house I mentioned, and I played it every day.
That lasted maybe a year before the marriage collapsed.
I moved to an apartment, then back to the condo, and brought the piano with me. But... it reminds me of the ex. It reminds me of all the times I had to stifle who I was and what I did to defer to his wants and needs without him even asking, because of course, I couldn't play it while he slept, or while he was napping, or while he was watching TV.
More than that, the longer I stay in that small condo (srsly small condo), the more I realize that even without him living with me, I really can't play the piano as much as I wish to, particularly since my most creative hours happen late at night. And, in a condo with others nearby...
So over the last few months, I've been fighting the realization that I need to get rid of the piano. Fighting it because music was the one true joy I had for so many years, and because that piano was a gift from my parents and I really don't want to give it up. I've cried at that piano, in joy and in sadness, in sickness and in health, and I've written melodies and traveled to other worlds in my head and soothed myself when I couldn't find solace elsewhere.
But... it has to go. It's huge and takes up room I desperately need for other things. And I can so easily replace it with a digital piano there's no real reason other than a purist's sense and sentimentality to keep it.
I just wish it wasn't so hard. It must sound so silly to so many people. "It's just a piano. So easy to replace."
It is... and it isn't.
*sigh*
My first degree was in Music, with a specialization in Piano/Keyboard and Vocals. When I graduated from college, my parents bought me a grand piano as a graduation gift. It is beautiful, sounds amazing, and for a long time, it was my best and constant companion.
But then I got married. And although the ex professed admiration for my musical skills, when push came to shove, it was his comic book collection and not my piano that got first priority wherever we lived. It stayed at my parent's house until we bought our first condo, then finally got pride of place in that house I mentioned, and I played it every day.
That lasted maybe a year before the marriage collapsed.
I moved to an apartment, then back to the condo, and brought the piano with me. But... it reminds me of the ex. It reminds me of all the times I had to stifle who I was and what I did to defer to his wants and needs without him even asking, because of course, I couldn't play it while he slept, or while he was napping, or while he was watching TV.
More than that, the longer I stay in that small condo (srsly small condo), the more I realize that even without him living with me, I really can't play the piano as much as I wish to, particularly since my most creative hours happen late at night. And, in a condo with others nearby...
So over the last few months, I've been fighting the realization that I need to get rid of the piano. Fighting it because music was the one true joy I had for so many years, and because that piano was a gift from my parents and I really don't want to give it up. I've cried at that piano, in joy and in sadness, in sickness and in health, and I've written melodies and traveled to other worlds in my head and soothed myself when I couldn't find solace elsewhere.
But... it has to go. It's huge and takes up room I desperately need for other things. And I can so easily replace it with a digital piano there's no real reason other than a purist's sense and sentimentality to keep it.
I just wish it wasn't so hard. It must sound so silly to so many people. "It's just a piano. So easy to replace."
It is... and it isn't.
*sigh*
